It's All in the Perspective!

Today I want to share something that can only be learned through experience. That is unless you have an old fart like me around who has “been there, done that” and is willing to share their experiences.

I think one of the hardest things for me was to learn to accept change relative to relationships. It wasn’t until I was well into my 50s that I finally “got it”. We all know relationships change. But knowing and accepting are two very different things. Let me try to explain this in a metaphor.

When we hire a contractor to create something for us, to help us build something, we accept them leaving our lives when the build is completed. We don’t find it necessary to keep them in our lives forever.

Most relationships are like that. I truly believe who and what we need come into our lives when the Universe feels we need them. Some relationships are meant to last a lifetime, or at least many years. Some are meant to last only so long as there is work to be done. There may be things we need to learn from another person. There may be things they need to learn from us. But there is a cosmic expiration date on them. Once the spiritual purpose has been fulfilled we are meant to move on with our lives. Clinging to a relationship that has “expired” is an exercise in futility and just not healthy for anyone involved. We need to let go with grace and gratitude for the lessons learned, the need fulfilled.

Sometimes the other person will remain on the periphery of our lives. In that case we need to learn to accept the new dynamic. I think that may be more difficult than living without that person in our lives at all. I once had a friend whose significant other decided to go through gender reassignment surgery. She was devastated. He, soon to be she, wanted to maintain a relationship as friends. My girlfriend told me it was driving her crazy because she felt like he had died, and this new person was walking around in his body. She said every time she looked at him, she thought of the future they had planned together and was at a loss how to endure just being near him. They eventually managed to work it out and remained friends until her death many years later.

Mourning the loss of a relationship is a tough one. I have no advice on how to deal with that. I’m not perfect and I don’t know it all. I just know that nothing is permanent, so we’d better learn to accept change when it comes. Try to see how we have enriched one another’s lives. Try to grow with the change. Be thankful for the time and experiences we shared and let go. Find the beauty in the fact we had these experiences and were able to grow through them.

There are those who will be thinking, “Yeah, well some relationships are toxic, the experiences in them were painful and thank God that person is gone from my life!” That is true. But if you stop and think about it, you learned a lot about yourself, your capabilities, strengths you didn’t know you possessed, and might never have learned you had if you hadn’t experienced that relationship. So in the end, even those kinds of relationships end up helping you grow. My first marriage was a complete clusterf*ck and there was a lot of physical and emotional abuse involved. I would not wish that experience on my worst enemy. Guess what? At this point in life, I am grateful for it. Not only did I get a wonderful daughter out of my years with him, but I learned just how strong I am. I learned I can do pretty much anything I make up my mind to do. I learned how resourceful and creative I am. I learned I am worth much more than I thought I was before that experience. So in the final analysis, it’s all good.